Seattle to Portland Part 1: The Grand Adventures of Siri and Surly

I don't think I've mentioned this yet but I bought a new GPS for the journey.  Her name is Siri.  I would like to say that she has been an ever-faithful companion but she can be kind of an asshole at times.  She's a little too structured for my tastes.  Man does she get mad when I drive off the beaten path.  She doesn't yell - no, that's not her style.  She speaks like I'm a school boy and she's the exasperated teacher.  Sure she'd like to see me grow into a mature, well adjusted driver.  But sometimes I think she hates me just a little bit.  Probably because I've told her to fuck off a several times in the past weeks.

The reason I bring Siri up is that I met up with my friend Matt in Seattle after Yellowstone.  He flew out from CT at the last minute to meet up with me.  We had no definitive plans.  All we knew was that at some point at the end of the week he needed to fly home from Portland.  During our Seattle-Portland jaunt I knick-named him Surly.  "Why Surly?", you may ask.  Let me start off by saying that Matt is truly a good guy.  He's one of those rare individuals that you meet in your life that is truly a stand up human being.  And he's a little surly.

Now Siri and Surly had several traits in common.  For instance they were both constantly telling me where to go and how to get there.  However, Surly seemed much more worried about my driving then Siri did.  Perhaps because he had eyes.  Suffice to say the oh shit handle of my Prius is now well used.  Another similarity was that both were constantly interrupting the music selection in the car.  Don't tell Siri this but Surly was a much better travel companion.  And I only told Surly to fuck off once or twice.

We had a great time in Seattle.  The Needle, EMP, Pike's market, good food, good drinks.  I had the best salmon chowder at Vonn's.  Do yourself a favor.  Go there.  Eat it.  Thank me.

After Seattle we decided to take the long way to Portland - the 101 from Seattle around the peninsula, past Forks (!), past May Beach down to Astoria.  Astoria is where the Goonies was filmed.  We even went to Cannon Beach which had the famous beach featured in Goonies.  Finally we ventured into Portland where we hung out with two of Matt's friends.  Stay tuned for the Portland edition of my blogged entitled: The Drunken Angels (of Portland).

Days 4 - 8: June 4th to June 8th: "Yellowstoned, Part III: The Great Yogi Consp-Bear-acy. Get it? That's Comedy Gold"

During my time at Yellowstone I saw two bears.  Supposedly.  One was a baby black bear and one was a grizzly bear.  Maybe.

At Yellowstone there was a huge emphasis placed on bears.  Not only for your own safety but for theirs also.  One phrase that stuck with me was "A Fed Bear Is A Dead Bear."  Obviously no wants to put down such a majestic beast.  But the Rangers had a 3 strike rule.  If the bear is caught misbehaving 3 times, then it would be put down.  Thank you Mister Ranger, Sir!

Despite the seriousness of the subject matter, I developed my own theory as to why bears were viewed as such a serious threat - the Anti-Bear Industrial Complex.  You see the ABIC has been perpetrating the existence of bears in Yellowstone in order to sell more anti-bear spray.

I first became suspicious when I was not mauled to death by a bear on the first night of my stay - despite not having bought anti-bear spray.  How could that be?  My fingers should have  been bear chopsticks, my large forehead, a bear bowl.

And then an even stranger thing happened.  Over the next few days not only was I not maimed by a bear, but I didn't even see a single bear.  What was going on?

Finally, on my second to last day I saw a baby brown bear from the side of a road.  It was very cute.  So cute that I suspect that it was actually some sort of animatronic teddy bear.

And on my last day I saw a grizzly bear about a half mile from the road in the middle of prairie grass.  It was so far out that the photo I took showed only a brown blur.  I was assured by a "tourist" that it was a grizzly bear.  Just note that I did not have a chance to discuss this "tourist's" affiliation with the ABIC.  Personally I suspect that the blur might have been sasquatch.

You might be interested to know that I'm writing this two weeks later on my last night in Yosemite.  Yosemite also has the same level of caution for bears.  Man, wouldn't that be ironic if I'm attacked by a bear on my last night in bear country after writing the Yogi Consp-Bear-acy?  I like to think that this will be my last thought before I die.

On second thought if anything bear related does happen to be tonight, then it might be the final act by the ABIC to silence me.

Stay vigilant people, stay vigilant.

Days 4 - 8: June 4th to June 8th: "Yellowstoned, Part II: A Tale of Two Nightcaps"

At some point while touring Yellowstone a Park Ranger told me about terrible wild fires in the late 1980's.  Currently most trees that were fallen in the park were a result of that one year of forest fires. Interestingly the type of pine tree in Yellowstone produced a type of seed/cone that could withstand extreme heat. So on top of those fallen trees was green, plush plant life and new trees. As you traveled throughout you could witness destruction on top of creation on top of destruction...etc.

And on top of all of this are various protected wild life that have been allowed to roam freely throughout the park.  Bison, elk, fearless squirrels, supposed bears, the list goes on.

And underneath all of this is a flow of lava any where between 3 and 10 miles from the surface. This gave birth to all types of unique geysers and land formations.  

As I mentioned before, Yellowstone can be an overwhelming experience. It could have been the lack of sleep or the 30 degree temperature at night.  Or maybe it was because I was constantly on the move trying to experience as many things as possible, literally from sunrise to sunset. But it took a day or two to get past that feeling of being overwhelmed.

The first morning that I woke up my toes were numb! Sure I had a 30 degree sleeping bag, several layers of clothes and socks on, but it still wasn't enough. The next night in my sleep deprived state, I deduced that all the heat was escaping through my big beautiful bald noggin. So I fashioned a night cap with a sweater. The next day I made sure to buy a winter hat. Thats right – a winter hat in June.

That same night with my newly acquired cap I modified my eating plan. Eating lukewarm food improperly heated by a portable propane fueled was not working out.   During the day I could easily subsist on homemade muesli, yogurt, fruit, etc. But there is nothing like going to bed with a belly full of warm food and a night cap from the camp lodge bar.

So after making those two adjustments I was finally able to get a good night's sleep while camping.

Days 4 - 8: June 4th to June 8th: “Everybody Must Get Yellowstoned”

A funny thing happened as I drove from Jackson Hole to Yellowstone – the temperature dropped. Over the course of 2 hours the temperature went from 70 to 60 to 50 to 40 degrees. Clouds rolled in, rain and mist enveloped my trusty hybrid steed. If you recall from my last post, before embarking to Yellowstone I took an awesome rafting trip in the Grand Tetons. My enthusiasm sobered as I went North and the temperatures went south. Doubt, along with the snow banks, began to grow.  My reasons for doing this whole thing, much like this paragraph, were becoming more and more unclear.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“You are totally unprepared.”

“Go home (or at least back to Jackson).”

The good thing about long drives is you can hit an absolute low and you still have time to turn things around.  It can be a matter of a turn of a wheel or popping in the right music. You've got time to remember why you're doing crazy things like this in the first place. There are great things in this world. You just need to actually leave your home balcony and comfy sweatpants and slippers in order to experience them. Also, it's important to remember that you can bring those sweatpants and slippers.

So I put on some good music and, somehow, started to get excited in spite of everything. And hand to god – it stopped raining!  By the time I got to my campsite it was sunny and in the mid 40's. Not as good as the 70's and sunny – but I'll take it.

The term Yellowstoned has nothing to do with any drug.  I've witnessed presumably rational people do stupid, dangerous things while traveling throughout Yellowstone.  And I was not immune to this state of mind, this the shock and overwhelming feeling when you first come to Yellowstone.

Day 3 and 4: June 3rd and 4th 2014. The Grand Teton's: The Real 'Merica.

Okay, so I'm a little bit behind on my blog.   I'm currently staying in Portland for a day or two after a two night stay in Seattle.  As opposed to the many bison I might have seen in a zoo, seeing bison in Yellowstone is an entirely different experience. Similarly, it's one thing to see a hipster in every day life in Connecticut.   It's another experience to see one in it's natural habitat – Portland, Oregon.  But more to come on Yellowstone and Portland in future posts.   Let's talk about the Grand Tetons.

For the full experience you might want to put on Kenny Loggin's song, “Dangerzone.” Or Team America's “America, Fuck Yeah.”. Here's a sample:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhnUgAaea4M&feature=kp

I spent my first day in Jackson Hole getting a feel for the town.  I found some yoga and awesome huevos rancheros for breakfast and then drove around the entire day.  There were truly amazing sights all around.  Whereas the Rocky Mountains were seemingly all encompassing and immeasurable, the Grand Teton's were more like it's younger brother. The land around it is relatively flat and then suddenly this huge set of mountains spring up out of no where. Apparently the Tetons are still growing. So maybe one day they will be all growed up.

After speaking with a representative at the visitor center for about 30 minutes I decided on the 'big' thing I wanted to do the next day before leaving for Yellowstone.  As a result of my near death experience the night before, a leisurely rafting trip through the park seemed like a perfect fit for my stay. I highly recommend Barker-Ewing Rafting company.  The views of the Teton's were unforgettable. But probably one of the most amazing experiences was the bald eagle nest I saw. And this is where you might want to turn up the suggested accompanying music.

The guide pointed out a bald eagle nest with a baby eagle in it.  I got excited when the baby eagle got up and spread it's wings.  Perhaps a little too excited.   Especially when compared to the docile 50 or 60 year old people sitting in the boat. Then suddenly a huge black raven swept in. And the mother bald eagle swooped in to fend off the raven. That's when the music started playing in my head. At the same time the raft conveniently got stuck on some rocks.  And a second black raven joined the mid air brawl. And I was babbling like a star stuck teenager watching the whole thing.  In the end the ravens retreated and the mother bald eagle post herself on the tallest tree keeping guard.  The only thing that could have made me feel more patriotic was if we feasted on apple pie with american cheese on it afterwards. Of course the bald eagle would have swept in and claimed a piece of the pie.  Cause, 'merica!

Day 2: June 2nd 2014. A Day of Compromise, Speeding Tickets and a Close Encounter of the Elk Kind.

The idea was to climb a mountain in Rocky Mountain National Park, have a burrito and then drive from Estes Park, CO to Jackson WY.  I thought the risky part was going to be the 8.5 hour long drive to Jackson after climbing a mountain.  It turned out that every part of my plan was risky.

I should note that I wasn't actually going to climb a real mountain.  The plan was to do a moderately strenuous 9 mile open loop.  A shuttle would drop me off at the head of the trail.  A shuttle would pick me up at the end of the trail.  Our nation's seasonal patterns had different plans.

When I got to the gate, I was told that it was too early in the season for shuttle service.  Not to be discouraged, I told myself I would hike to a lake which was about the mid-point of the hike and then turn around and come back.

When I got to the trailhead, I spoke with a ranger about my plan.  Now, I'm not good at reading facial expressions but the face the ranger had made me to take pause.  She probably didn't think it was a good plan.  Either that or she was in the middle of solving a complex mathematical theorem previously thought unsolvable.

However, I didn't want to take a chance that she was a mathematician/forest ranger, so I asked her what the problem was.  It turned out that so far only 1 group had attempted to take my planned hike.  They had to turn back because they lost the trail.  I didn't necessarily need to go to the lake.  I decided to just hike to the high point of the trail 3 miles in.  The ranger still seemed a little wary to my new plan. Either that or she was struggling to decide if she should file her taxes with above or below the line deductions.

I decided that I would hike as far as I could but I wouldn't overdue it or take any unnecessary risks.

Luckily for me the snow was packed well and I had brought my hiking polls with me.  During the entire hike I encountered 4 people.  The first person was a woman who had the same idea I had. However, she made it just past the tree line but couldn't go any further.  She took some great pictures and then turned back.  At that point I decided to just keep going until I got past the tree-line, take some pictures and then hike down.  And this is what I did.

At some point towards the end of the ascent I lost the trail but kept going.   Eventually I made it to a slope of snow on the side of the mountain.  It looked perfect for skiing.  And it was fairly close to a peak of some sort.  I took some pics and climbed down, ate a burrito and then started driving.

Thats all I have for now.   Stay tuned for my next entry - The Curious Incident of the Elk at Midnight. And the prequel entry – The Fortuitous Ticket from the Police at 11:40 pm.

BTW – if anyone happens to find a Fitbit on the side of a mountain in Rocky Hill National Park - it's mine.

My First Prius, A Visit With Friends and My First Mountain

Let's just jump into it: the first 4 times I drove my Prius rental I had no idea how to turn it on. I basically just pressed buttons and fumbled with levers until it went. Things periodically lit up on the dash. The engine is silent so I didn't even know if it was on. I didn't know if it was on until I felt a slight forward motion. It was enjoyable to drive. But I guess that is relative to my 2003 Honda Civic.

After flying into Denver I had lunch with Will and Diane at a great mexican restaurant. It was just what I needed to get grounded and recharge my batteries. The happy hour margarita helped out a little too.

I was soon off to Este Park, CO. As I got closer to the mountains I realized something: this was probably the first time I've seen a mountain in real life this close up (at least that I can remember). I'll sum it up in one word: fucking vast. It took my breath away. It's something I'll remember forever.

I pulled over to stare for a bit (and took some pictures). But even as I got in my car and navigated through narrow canyon roads and narrow cliff side roads, I continued to stare. In retrospect it was kind of dangerous.

Well that's all for now. Up for tomorrow: a 9 mile hike in Rocky Mountain National Park and then a drive to the Grand Tetons. Joy.